Why I Went Dark, And Why I’m Back

Hello, 30’s! Holy mother. At no other point in my life have more changes swept over me faster than in the last several years. I let go of a lot of things, I gained a lot more. And I’m seeking again (hopefully not in vain) for that ever-elusive balance that brings me close to equilibrium and contentment. First things first: bringing back this blog! Here, why I let it go. And why I need to get back to it.

It is no secret to those who love me (or just know me), that I lost a brother to suicide in 2013. I have written about it, but only from a place of grief. I was white-knuckling through life for a couple of years, trying desperately to stay the course and recover from the shock and the trauma. For the most part, I can safely discuss Michael’s death now, but there are still moments it hits me like a gut-punch. I’ve learned to just roll with it. I wrote through some of my grief, some of it public, most of it very private. But through that process, I lost the connection to writing that gave me hope, enthusiasm and excitement.

It takes years to recover from traumatic loss, which I’ll write about some more later, but I found it increasingly difficult with the demands of my job and my life to really give myself the space to heal. Thankfully, I’m on a strong path to healing now. I’m an all-star at self-care, thanks to friends who remind me about the important things, and a partner that always has my back.

Simultaneously, and almost certainly as a result of the traumatic loss of Michael, I went through several enormous life changes: a relationship busting up, several moves, and now (very happily) settling down with my partner, buying a home of our own and adopting an adorable pup. My career has taken on a new feeling, having become a partner, and has changed into a different set of worries, hopes, stresses, and incredible successes. I gave up long-distance running as a result of ongoing neck and back pain, but took up yoga to replace that outlet. In short, my entire life has been rearranged and reorganized.

I needed the last two years to focus inward. But I miss so much having the outlet and interaction of a blog. Writing brought me so many wonderful things at such an important part of my life, and while I can easily slide into feeling guilty for letting my blog go for a bit, I know it’s what I needed at the time.

Writing gave me connection. It is hard to connect with people, it’s a simple fact of modern life, and writing gives people a glimpse into your logistical life, but more importantly, your emotional life. It’s a fun and interesting way to maintain friendships, and create new ones. Oddly, I also think writing helps me (and hopefully others) to live honestly. I opened up in my blogs, in a way I’m unlikely to do during the press of the work day, or when I’m out with friends just trying to have a good time. Writing keeps me in touch with myself, my thoughts, my disappointments and my hopes.

Writing gave me lots of opportunities. Lots of them! And I want more of those opportunities. I enjoy speaking at conferences, working as a guest blogger, and being an invited guest at industry conventions. Blogging gave me a direct line into these things, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I hope to forge those connections again and continue on the path I had laid out for myself when I started blogging.

Writing gave me something just for me. The blog was all mine. It was my idea, my creative effort, my design, my words and my money. I find it thrilling to create something that wholly belongs to myself. There is something soothing about having complete control, and terrifying at the same time. Revealing yourself to the world isn’t easy, but it’s important. And doing it on your own terms is priceless.

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